DAD, SET YOUR BOUNDARIES

For this month’s blog, I am using an article my daughter, Melody, wrote, for a special Father’s Day challenge.  Her article originally appeared in the March, 2007, Mid-America Baptist Thelogical Seminary Messenger, a quarterly publication of the seminary which is read by thousands of pastors, ministers, alumni, supporters, and friends of the seminary. I was asked to write an article on Integrity in Ministry for that issue of The Messenger, which I used for my March 2009 blog.  Melody read my article before I sent it in for publication in The Messenger in March, 2007.  She then wrote the following article on “Dad, Set Your Boundaries” as a tribute to her father.  I sent it along with my article to Mid-America and they asked if they could  include it with my article.  Melody’s article was also used as a guest article for the June, 2007 Father’s Day Edition of The Baptist & Reflector, the Tennessee Baptist Convention weekly newspaper. 

It’s one thing to feel you have integrity in the eyes of your fellow man, but THE TRUE WORTH OF A MAN AND ONE WHO IS TRULY A MAN OF INTEGRITY IS NOT HOW OTHERS KNOW HIM AND WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT HIM BUT HOW HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN KNOW HIM AND WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT HIM.  And, even more, HOW DOES GOD KNOW HIM AND WHAT WOULD THE LORD SAY ABOUT HIM.

Men, Let’s commit to be dads who are men of integrity where it matters the most and truly reveals the kind of man you are and how successful you have been in your life.

Dad, Set Your Boundaries

(Because Your Family Needs You)

By: Melody Mullins

One of the greatest things I have admired about my father is how seriously he takes the role of husband and father.  My mother, brother, sister and I knew that our family is of utmost importance behind his relationship with the Lord.  There has never been any doubt that my mother comes second and his children come third.  The church falls somewhere after the aforementioned list.  I would hope you do not find that offensive but rather encouraging.  One of my father’s favorite things to say is, “If I fail as a father, then I have failed as a pastor.”  If you are not able to manage your home then how can you manage your church?  If you lose your children then what have you gained with the growth of your ministry?  So Dad, set your boundaries!

            If you have the opportunity then you should make the decision as to how much time you are willing to give your church.  If you are single then you need to decide now how many nights you will give your church.  If you go on and make this decision as a single man or a young couple then you might be able to stick with it.  Why does this matter?  It is really quite simple.  The church will take advantage of the time you give them if you let them. Therefore, when you come to a new place of ministry you and the church need to have an understanding of how many nights you will give for meetings and visitation.  You cannot do it all!  You need to allow the other ministers and lay leaders to step in at times because they are not responsible for raising your children and loving your wife.  You are!  I can guarantee that if you are not available to fulfill this role in your family’s life another man will.  So Dad, not only should you set the boundary of time but of who you meet with as well. 

I am sure you know that you should never meet with the opposite sex by yourself.  But do not just say it, live by it.  I have not only popped up at my dad’s office at various times throughout the years but I have also worked at our current church as a secretary.  My father has never met with a woman one on one where they would be put in a compromising situation.  The office door has a window so anyone can see into the office.  Most of the times he sits behind his desk and the lady will sit on the other side.  He does not move over to the sitting area in his office, where they can sit much closer.  That would be highly inappropriate.  Also, there is normally a secretary present in the room outside his office.  When I was in middle school my father met with a woman on a Saturday at the church office.  He left the door open and I did my homework in the workroom.  I was able to hear their voices but not their conversation.  The woman knew I was there and did not mind it.  She knew it was not only for my father’s reputation but for her reputation as well.  My mom has carried the same rule into her workplace as well.  Do you know what this does for your children?  It is like buying them the most luxurious security blanket.  They know that their parents are serious about their relationship with each other and are serious about their relationship with Christ.  The peace that comes from knowing my parents would not do anything to hurt their marriage is truly indescribable.  So Dad, not only can you protect your family by protecting your marriage but by realizing you cannot nor should you do it all!

            Your children will not be impressed by your SuperPastor status.  I do not mean to sound harsh but there is a real problem in today’s churches and it is with her ministers.  I love the saying that God does not call the equipped but equips the called.  But here’s the key: you are not the only one called.  I know that you know that but some do not act like that’s true.  There is nothing sadder to me than a minister who is impressed by himself.  To be perfectly honest, it is sickening to see a minister who believes he knows more than his senior pastor who has been in ministry a decade longer than the young minister has been alive.  What has happened to our churches and her ministers?  Is the problem that the minister is sacrificing his family on the altar of ministerial success?  Or is he sacrificing integrity on the altar of popularity?  In this day of relevancy, genuineness is still desired.  Your church members want someone who is real not only in the pulpit but in his personal life as well.  So Dad, if you are going to get up and preach on the importance of the family then you had better be a walking example of that sermon.

            My dad has asked that our ministers only give one weeknight other than Wednesday night to the church.  My parents made it to almost every single one of our concerts or games while my siblings and I were growing up.  We shared a meal every night together.  Sure some nights we ate a little earlier due to a funeral or a deacons meeting.  Nonetheless our parents made our family their priority and because of it we still try to have meals together.  My brother and sister-in-law will either come over during the week or we will share a meal together on Sunday.  Just because we are either in college or our junior year in high school we still share an active part in my father’s ministry.  We were told that once we entered college we could make our own choice as to where we would attend church.  We chose our father’s church, after all he and my mom have lived out what they taught us on a daily basis.  Why would we go anywhere else when the Word of God is boldly preached and integrity is the shield that protects our family?  Ministry is hard!  You need all the support you can get.  The greatest support system that you have is your family.  No church member could love you more than your family and a church member will respect your love for your family.  So Dad, it is my prayer that when you face the Father you not only hear “Well done my child” for your work with the ministry but for the leadership of your family.  I pray that you will know the joy of seeing your children involved in church as adults and raising their families in the Lord.  “The father of a righteous man has great joy; he who has a wise son delights in him,” (Proverbs 23:24).  May your joy be great knowing that your family is complete in the Lord and joyfully serving Him as well!