When True Love Didn’t Wait

WHEN TRUE LOVE DIDN’T WAIT

In September of 1992, in a brainstorming session for a Christian Sex Education campaign, Richard Ross, youth ministry consultant for Lifeway Christian Resources, presented a True Love Waits® theme. A few months later it was presented to Lifeway Christian Resources management for consideration as part of the Christian Sex Education plan and was adopted. The youth group at Tulip Grove Baptist Church in Hermitage, Tennessee, where Richard Ross was also serving as the youth minister, were the first to sign True Love Waits commitment cards, having pledged :

“Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, my future mate, and my future children to a lifetime of purity including sexual abstinence from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship.”

Since that first True Love Waits commitment service thousands of young men and women have made that pledge. In one community alone, Oroville, California, over the past ten years four thousand pledges “have been represented at True Love Waits community celebrations, some of which were reaffirmations of their original commitment.”

“True Love Waits is one of several approaches to challenging teenagers and college students to make a commitment to sexual abstinence until marriage.” As mentioned earlier, it was created by Lifeway Christian Resources “to encourage moral purity by adhering to biblical principles.” True Love Waits is “a youth-based international campaign that utilizes positive peer pressure by encouraging those who make a commitment to refrain from pre-marital sex to challenge their peers to do the same. The “Takes the Town” initiative, launched by True Love Waits, “encourages cities to take a unified, community-wide approach to promoting abstinence by involving schools, government, businesses, churches, health organizations and others. The vision for ‘Takes the Town’ is to help communities find solutions to reclaiming sexual purity among their youth.”

True Loves Waits is certainly in accord with God’s Word in its emphasis to keep the marriage bed “undefiled” (Heb. 13:4) by abstaining from sex until marriage. The Bible says that the way of God is “perfect” and that His Word is “tried” (Ps. 18:30). That means God’s will is best for us and it has been proven through the life experiences of those who follow His way. His Word is “true from the beginning and every one of [His] righteous judgments endures forever” (Ps. 119:160) because “forever” His “Word is settled in heaven” (Ps. 119:89). The Word of God has not changed and will not change, regardless of the changes that are happening in society.

True Love Waits goes against the grain of what television and movies depict of sex. The vast majority of movie/television sexual scenes are between those who are not married to each other, which, it seems, occur in about every movie and television drama/comedy program produced today. Hollywood’s message is that sex whenever you want it with whomever you want it is not taboo anymore. I have even read articles and heard interviews on television and radio from individuals who have criticized True Love Waits and similar programs that promote sexual abstinence prior to marriage. Their reasoning is that the sexual abstinence approach does not work on a wide-spread basis and that the best sex education approach is to educate kids on how to keep from getting pregnant or getting sexual diseases because most young people are going to be sexually active. I have responded through letters to the editor, e-mails, on our television broadcast, from the pulpit, and personal conversations that sexual abstinence works every time for those who practice it! It is God’s way, and His way is always best for us. When we get out of the will of God and go beyond the boundaries of the Bible and do it our way, eventually there comes a time of reckoning and regrets.

One of the saddest stories in the Bible is that of Amnon and Tamar (2 Sam. 13:1-21). Amnon and Tamar were both children of King David by different wives of David. Amnon had the “hots” for Tamar. Biblically, it was forbidden (Lev. 8:6,9; 20:17) for them to marry, but David probably would have permitted it. Regardless, Amnon let his physical desires get control of him, and the result was tragic. Although, I have titled this chapter, “When True Love Didn’t Wait,” that title is an oxymoron. God’s way is that true love waits until marriage before consummating a relationship between a man and a woman. The fact that Amnon desired Tamar and she was willing to marry him (2 Sam. 13:12-13), yet he would not wait to have her sexually until they were married, proves that he did not truly love her. Love waits, but lust can’t! If Amnon truly loved Tamar he would not have tried to influence her to do anything that was against God’s Word and that would hurt her reputation.

I am using the title, “When True Love Didn’t Wait” because a line that too many young men have used on a girl they desired sexually is, “If you really love me, you’ll go all the way with me.” Perhaps, a couple do feel that they are truly in love. If a young man truly loves a girl and she truly loves him, neither of them will try to tempt the other into pre-marital sex. Whatever the exact feelings were between Amnon and Tamar, he could not wait before knowing her intimately. This chapter will address the damage and the tragedy which may result when a couple who think they are truly in love don’t wait until marriage to have sex.

Lust Can’t Wait (The Story of Amnon and Tamar)

Second Samuel 13:1-22 records the story of Amnon, King David’s firstborn son by Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and his attraction to his half-sister, Tamar, King David’s daughter by Maacah, who was the daughter of Talmai, the king of Geshur. Tamar was the sister of David’s third son, Absalom, whose name is mentioned at the beginning of the story of Amnon and Tamar. The Bible says that

“Absalom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her. And Amnon was so vexed, that he fell sick for his sister Tamar; for she was a virgin; and Amnon thought it hard for him to do any thing to her” (2 Sam. 13:1-2).

Amnon was lovesick for Tamar. He was vexed because he desired a physical relationship with Tamar. It should have been hard for him to do “anything to her.” As a virgin, she was carefully chaperoned and cautiously controlled concerning where she was allowed to go and with whom she associated. The fact that she was one of the King’s daughters would cause even extra watchfulness over her for her welfare.

Amnon had two moral problems in his intentions toward Tamar. The first was incest. She was his sister. They had different mothers but their father was David. Although in the early days of creation marriage between relatives was practiced (Gen. 20:12), it was forbidden when the Lord revealed his commandments and laws to Moses (Lev. 18:6,9; 20:17). Second, Amnon had sexual desire for Tamar, which was strictly forbidden outside of marriage. Content and comfort are not always found in royal palaces. Amnon lived a life of luxury and privilege as the king’s son. As King David’s firstborn son, and the likely heir to the throne, Amnon certainly would have had other lovely women available from which to find a future wife. But, he focused upon Tamar, and when you desire that which is not best for you, there is usually someone around who will help you mess up. Verse three of 2 Samuel 13 says that “Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah David’s brother: and Jonadab was a very [subtle] man.”
The next several verses of this passage reveal how subtle Jonadab was, who was Amnon’s cousin and David’s nephew, and how influential he was upon Amnon. He devised a way for Amnon to gratify his desire for Tamar. He suggested to the love sick Amnon that he lie down and pretend that he was physically sick. Jonadab drew up a plan developed around Amnon’s pretended illness to coerce King David to allow Tamar to come and prepare food for her half-brother to help him get well (2 Sam. 13:5-7). David fell for it and sent Tamar to Amnon’s house where she did as she was asked (vv. 8-10).

Amnon’s Deliberate Deception

The first mistake of Amnon is that he lusted wrongfully for his sister. A second mistake is that he listened weakly to the wrong influences. Jonadab was his cousin. Maybe Jonadab patronized Amnon because he thought Amnon would be king someday and would give him a top position of prominence. We may be more vulnerable to the advice of our relatives because we are close to them. But, regardless of who it comes from we must make sure that every piece of advice we are given carefully passes through the filter of God’s standards.

Another mistake of Amnon is that he lied willfully to his father and family (v. 6). His dishonesty not only came back to hurt him, but it affected all the royal family over time. Amnon laid on the line, without regret, the ruin of his life and the lives of others. It eventually cost him his life and led to turmoil within the royal family.

As according to Jonadab’s plan, Amnon pretended that he was ill and requested that his father, King David, send his half-sister Tamar to prepare food for him and serve it to him. She responded as she was asked to do and prepared food that was supposed to perk Amnon up (vv. 7-9). But, he would not eat the food. He asked for everyone else in the room to leave, which they did, then he told Tamar to bring the food to his bedroom and serve to him the food with her hands (v. 10). When it was just the two of them alone in his bedroom, he grabbed her and said, “come lie with me, my sister” (v. 11). Amnon tried to persuade Tamar by seduction. True love desires to give, but lust desires to get. Lust can’t wait, love can! True love does not demand you to do that which may destroy your reputation, can damage your relationship with your family, and is in direct disobedience to God. Tamar pleaded with Amnon to stop:

“‘Don’t, my brother! Don’t humiliate me, for such a thing should never be done in Israel. Don’t do this horrible thing! Where could I go with my disgrace? And you—you would be like one of the immoral men in Israel! Please speak to the king, for he won’t keep me from you.’ But he refused to listen to her, and because he was stronger than she was, he raped her” (2 Sam. 13:12-14 HCSB).

Notice that Tamar even tried to persuade Amnon to ask King David’s permission for her hand in marriage. Although it was not a proper marriage situation, with David’s multiple marriages she seemed certain her father would allow their marriage to each other. Tamar apparently assumed that Amnon’s intentions were not totally dishonorable and that he eventually intended to marry her. Although her words may have been a ploy to get Amnon to stop his sexual assault on her, by convincing him she would later marry him, perhaps there was also an attraction on Tamar’s part for Amnon, and she would have been willing to marry him. But, the unbridled lust of Amnon for Tamar did not allow that possible scenario to occur. Amnon disregarded Tamar’s requests for him to restrain himself. He overpowered her with his strength, and raped her.

Doubly Dishonored and Disgraced

What followed is even more despicable than his rape of Tamar, whom he was so infatuated with prior to assaulting her that it led him to do such a horrible thing. The Bible says, “After this, Amnon hated Tamar with such intensity that the hatred he hated her with was greater than the love he had loved her with. ‘Get out of here!’ he said” (2 Sam. 13:15 HCSB). Rightfully, Tamar protested. She said, “‘No,’ sending me away is much worse than the great wrong you’ve already done to me” (v. 16)! But, Amnon refused to listen to her and called his servant to throw her out and bolt the door behind her (v. 17). And, the servant followed the orders of Amnon.

Amnon despised Tamar after his lust had been satisfied and he wanted nothing more to do with her. He was not in love with Tamar. He lusted her. Lust desires to get, and when lust has gotten what it wants, there is not a sense of permanency and oneness which comes when there is intimacy between those who are truly in love. Amnon’s gravest sin was in his failure to accept moral responsibility for his abuse of Tamar. When a man entered into the most intimate of all human contacts with a woman, he became morally obligated to provide for her personal well-being (Deut. 22:28-29). But, Amnon arrogantly expelled Tamar after abusing her and stubbornly refused to honor the requirements of the law prescribed in such cases. Through this situation, Amnon showed himself unqualified to be the heir to his father’s throne. One who would use raw power to pursue his goals irrespective of the rights of others was obviously unfit to rule over Israel since he could not adequately control himself.

As a result of Amnon’s actions, Tamar was doubly dishonored and disgraced by his denial and dismissal of her. She said the humiliation of his throwing her out after raping her was much worse than the great wrong he had already done. By throwing Tamar out, Amnon made it look as if she had made a shameful proposition to him, and there were no witnesses on her behalf because he had gotten rid of his servants. Amnon’s crime destroyed any chance of marriage for Tamar. Because she was no longer a virgin, she could not lawfully be given in marriage (Deut. 22:23-29). Even as the innocent party in her situation, with no witnesses it was her word against Amnon’s regarding what had happened. But, Tamar’s actions over the moral violation against her were in line with the appropriately expressive cultural manner one would exhibit because of the wrong done to her. The Bible says that she was wearing the long-sleeved garment worn by all the virgin daughters of the king (v. 18). After Tamar was thrown out of Amnon’s quarters, she “put ashes on her head and tore the long-sleeved garment she was wearing, . . put her hand on her head and went away weeping” (v. 19). She reacted with despondency immediately, openly, appropriately, and ashamedly, although she was not the one who had done something shameful. Against her will, she had been morally violated, and when a women is forced into sex, it is an abominable, shameful experience for her.

The last we hear of Tamar in the Bible is that she “lived as a desolate woman in the house of her brother Absalom” (v. 20). She was dutifully received into her brother’s house where she remained in desolation. When Tamar was first seen by Absalom after being raped, he did not seem surprised by Amnon’s actions and suspected what had been done (v. 20). Absalom tried to comfort Tamar by indicating that the crime was a family matter, although Absalom planned to seek vengeance in his way (vv. 22,28-29) by murdering Amnon. But, God’s standards for moral conduct should not be compromised or suspended when dealing with family matters. Amnon should have been punished for raping Tamar, but Absalom’s way of handling it added another dimension of tragedy to the story. King David should have responded to Amnon’s abhorrent act by resolutely disciplining Amnon. The Bible says when David received the news of what Amnon had done, “he was furious” (v. 21). But, he did not do anything about it. His own son had done such a wicked thing and drawn David to be an accessory to it. He should have punished his son and put him to open shame. Perhaps David favored Amnon as his first-born son and was reluctant to deal harshly with him. Besides, David’s own recent adultery with Bathsheba may have kept him from dealing with Amnon for his adultery. How could David, who had committed crimes for which death was the appointed penalty, carry out the law of banishing his first-born (Lev. 20:17) for following his example. What we bring into the lives of others either good or bad eventually comes back into our own. What David had brought to the family of Uriah the Hittite through his adultery with Bathsheba, then his having Uriah killed, had now come to haunt David, for the end result of this story resulted in the death of Amnon (v. 29) and Absalom (2 Sam. 18:14).

The Destructive, Disastrous Aftermath

Three deaths were the result of the destructive, disastrous aftermath of David’s sin with Bathsheba and Amnon’s rape of Tamar. Sex within marriage between a man and woman who are married but not to each other is breaking the command of God (2 Sam. 12:9) as is sex between an unmarried man and woman, whether it is by consent or not (2 Sam. 13:11-12). The result, hopefully, when adultery or fornication occurs will not be someone’s death, but even when one or both parties concerned do not feel a sense of guilt for their actions, they are not the only ones affected by their sin. Besides the deaths of Uriah (2 Sam. 11:15,17), Amnon, and Absalom, the destructive, disastrous aftermath of sex outside God’s boundaries produced several other negative results. First, it was an act of disobedience and disrespect toward God. Second, it disgraced Tamar and disabled her for the rest of her life (2 Sam. 13:13,20). Third, it brought dishonor to Amnon and destroyed his life because it led to his death (2 Sam. 13:13,28-29). Fourth, it caused disturbance among a family that led to disaster (2 Sam. 13:27-29,32,36). Fifth, it caused division between a father (King David) and his son (Absalom) which led to divided loyalties within the family and among friends (2 Sam. 13:37-39; 15:1-6). Sixth, it caused disturbance and division within a nation (2 Sam. 15-19).

Numbers 32:23 says, “Be sure your sin will catch up with you.” If you entice someone of the opposite sex to go all the way with you, the effect of your sin may not be as drastic as the results of Amnon’s violation sexually of Tamar, but you are not the only one affected. If there are not immediate consequences, it may come back to haunt you or your partner. It would certainly disappoint and break the hearts of your parents, if they have sought to bring you up in the nurture, discipline, and counsel of the Lord. And, because of your lack of self-control, it will spoil God’s best for your wedding night, which is for you and your new mate to be virgins.

As I was writing this chapter a sad story appeared in the October 5, 2007 Knoxville News Sentinel about a situation where a coach took advantage of a young lady, over a period of years, which now haunts both of them. The subtitle of the article was, “Young woman tells former coach of suffering he caused her.” On the day the young woman faced her former coach in court, she was twenty-one and he was forty. The article stated that the young woman stood in court and in a clear, sometimes quavering voice, told the former coach who became her tormentor what she thought of him:

“She told him he had used manipulative tactics since she was eleven years old to mold her into an object for . . . sexual pleasure. “Your abuse cost me some of the best years of my life,’ she told him. ‘You spent years breaking me down and building me back into who you wanted me to be,’ she said. ‘You had a sick, perverted plan that began while I was in middle school. No punishment you could ever receive will undo the mental pain and suffering that I have endured and will continue to experience for the rest of my life.”

The young woman was the senior captain of the girls’ volleyball team at her high school, a traditional state powerhouse. She was the valedictorian of her class, but because of a modern day situation similar to that of Amnon and Tamar, and her giving in to the sexual manipulation of her coach, she eventually spiraled into a severe depression and attempted suicide. She lost friendships she’d had since pre-school and said she no longer felt comfortable in her hometown. She gave up a scholarship and left college for a year to battle depression. She has continued therapy, but did resume her college education. The coach, who is married, rightfully lost his job. His two year prison sentence was suspended and amazingly, he was placed on unsupervised probation. He was ordered not to have unsupervised contact with children, not to be a youth athletic coach, and to pay $15,000 in restitution. Whether he got his just due or not, he has to live with the shame and embarrassment he caused for the young woman and her family, his family, and the community. Especially, do not allow yourself to be manipulated by someone who is older than you. You may end up like the young woman just described or a young man who has been taken advantage of by an older woman. In recent years, an older female teacher having a sexual relationship with an underage male student has made national or regional headlines several times a year. Whether it is an unlawful sexual encounter or one between consenting teenagers or younger, the temporary pleasure is not worth the bitterness, guilt, depression, shame, and embarrassment which will usually come over time.

True love waits. It is more than just the title and emphasis for a campaign that promotes sexual abstinence before marriage. It is how the God who created the universe, and who ordained marriage between a man and a woman, intended for sex to be experienced—not until marriage and exclusively between a man and woman who are married to each other.

Love Can Wait (The Story of Jacob and Rachel)

A biblical picture of how God intended for the love between a man and a woman to develop is seen in the story of Jacob and Rachel. When animosity between Jacob and his brother, Esau, came to a head (see Gen. 27), their father Isaac sent Jacob away, at their mother Rebekah’s request, to allow time for Esau’s anger to subside and for Jacob to find a wife among their ancestors. So, he departed to stay with his mother’s brother, Laban (Gen. 28:5). The first member of his uncle Laban’s family whom he met was his cousin Rachel. It was love at first sight! As soon as Jacob saw Rachel, the Bible says, “He kissed Rachel and wept loudly’ (Gen. 29:10-11). The Bible records that “Jacob loved Rachel” (Gen. 29:18). Marriage between cousins was common in those days. So, Jacob requested her parents’ permission to marry her and respected their requirements concerning what was proper to receive her hand in marriage. True love waited then as true love still waits today until marriage before sexual intimacy between a man and a woman. Laban stated that it was better to give Rachel to Jacob than to “some other man” (v. 19). The arrangement was worked out that Jacob would work seven years for Laban for the right to marry Rachel.

Jacob followed his promise to his future father-in-law as to when he could marry Rachel and the seven years “seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her” (v. 20). Seven years is a long time for most of us to wait for something we greatly desire. But, the love between a man and a woman is powerful, and the time seemed to fly by because they were determined to spend their life together as husband and wife. True love waits and is willing to take whatever time is necessary to do it the right way. I have known of modern day situations where a man and a woman desired to get married someday but knew there would be an extended time of waiting. I know of some men who are now medical doctors, who eventually married their high school sweetheart or college sweetheart, but waited until getting their college degree, then taking another three years or more to complete their medical degree, before getting married. It can be done, and it can be done without getting sexually involved prior to marriage.

Jacob faithfully fulfilled his commitment to his heavenly Father, his natural family, his future bride, and his future family. After seven years of working for Laban for the right to marry Rachel, Jacob came to Laban and said, “Give me my wife, for my time is completed. I want to sleep with her” (Gen. 29:21). Jacob did not have sexual relations with Rachel prior to marriage. That is God’s plan regardless of how long of an engagement period you have and how long you wait until you get married. Love can wait! Jacob did not violate Rachel, her family, his family, his friends, himself, and his vow to his heavenly Father (Gen. 28:20-22; 31:13).

Live For Christ

In the introduction to this chapter it was mentioned that True Love Waits goes against the grain of what television and movies depict of sex and the general view that society today has about moral purity. Sex outside marriage is not considered taboo by ever increasing numbers of Americans. Although, there are still significant numbers of Americans who hold to moral purity prior to marriage, it is apparent that too many among this group believe sex prior to marriage is wrong but practice it, because they waver to pressure or just don’t have the self-control to avoid giving in to the pleasures of sin. Oh, that every Christian could say as the apostle Paul proclaimed, “For to me to live is Christ” (Phil. 1:21). Christ was Paul’s life and gave him a reason for living and living right! Jesus said that anyone who is not for Him or with Him is against Him (Matt. 12:30). So, to live for Christ is to be like Christ. Jesus’ purpose in life was to do the will of His Father and to finish His work (John 4:34). He did not waver according to the changing views of society and culture. To do God’s will was to stay true to God’s Word (Matt. 5:17). That is what we must also do and be to live for Christ. To live for Christ is to maintain moral purity before marriage and practice sexual intimacy only within marriage with the one to whom you are married.

Four factors to keep in mind will help to provide motivation why living for Christ is the only way to live life to its fullest. These factors will also help you to avoid the pitfalls that come when you give in to the carnal desires of the flesh instead of living under the control of the Holy Spirit. First, magnify the consequences of sin. Disobedience has a more far-reaching effect than most Christians realize. The sin of one man, Achan, brought defeat to an entire nation (see Josh. 7:1,11,18, 24-26). God told the Israelites prior to their attacking Jericho not to take any spoils of victory (Josh. 6:17-19). But, Achan took a cloak and some money from among the spoils of victory (Josh. 7:1,19). As a result, God allowed Israel to be routed by a foe they should have easily defeated (Josh. 7:2-5). All because of one man’s sin (Josh. 7:10-12). After they dealt with Achan’s sin, the Israelites were able to defeat their enemies in claiming their Promised Land (Josh. 7:24-26). Achan’s sin not only caused his nation to be hurt, but it brought dishonor to his name, his father, his grandfather, and his great-grandfather (Josh. 7:1,18,24).

Doing whatever I want to do as long as I don’t hurt anybody is a cop-out some individuals use to justify their giving in to a sinful pleasure. But, seldom does your sin not affect somebody else. The Bible says that none of us lives to himself (Rom. 14:7). When you purposely sin, even though you say it is not hurting anyone else but you or it is nobody else’s business but yours, your giving in to sin sets a poor example for others who may look up to you or others who are still learning what is right and wrong in God’s eyes.

Second, to live for Christ and to avoid being tempted to give in to the carnal desires of the flesh, minimize the pleasures of sin. The pleasures of sin last but a short time. The story in the Bible of The Prodigal Son illustrates how the pleasures of sin all too often result in temporary not eternal satisfaction. A man’s youngest son wanted to get his share early in life of his father’s estate and go out into the world to live it up. The father distributed the requested assets to his younger son who “gathered together all he had and traveled to a distant country, where he squandered his estate in foolish living” (Luke 15:13 HCSB). The King James Version Bible said the prodigal son went to a “far country.” The “far country” is any area of your life or place where you choose to live out of the will of God. After he spent everything he had , that country had a famine, and the young man had nothing and had a hard time finding any kind of employment. In one of the poor paying jobs he got feeding pigs, the prodigal son got so hungry that he was even willing to eat the pigs’ food, if it had been allowed (vv. 15-16). That will get you to the end of yourself and back to your senses (v. 17) when feeding pigs takes preference over feeding a starving human! The prodigal son’s desire to live it up amounted to living foolishly. The pleasures of sin lasted but a short time. But, he got his life right with God and his father (vv. 18,21). He went back home a broken, but repentant man, and lived life from then on as God meant for him.

The “far country” sexually for too many teenagers begins in places where they should not be with persons they should not be with. The places of seclusion spell big trouble. They can become the scene of personal tragedy or a poor testimony. The Bible says to avoid even the appearance that you could be doing something wrong (1 Thess. 5:17). How many teenagers have traded five minutes of sexual fireworks in the back seat of a car for a million moments of happiness in marriage? And today it is no longer in the back seat of a car where it seemed to happen the most in an earlier day. It is in the bedroom of the teenagers or their parents’ bedroom in their homes while their mom and dad are both at work. Don’t take to your honeymoon the memory of everyone you have previously had sex with. Remain morally pure and a virgin for your future mate. God can help you overcome past mistakes and have a successful marriage even if you were sexually active prior to marriage, but you will have to work through the guilt and shame that always comes when you get right with God. And although God forgives and forgets, it can be a lengthy process trying to erase memories you wished you did not have.

A third factor in living for Christ and avoiding giving in to the carnal desires of the flesh is to make no provision for the flesh. Roman 13:14 says to “put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no plans to satisfy the fleshly desires” (HCSB). The New International Version Bible says to “clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.” As you think in your heart, so are you (Prov. 23:7). You can and must train yourself to think the right things (Phil. 4:8). As you begin each day, clothe yourself with Christ by putting on in your mind the whole armor of God (Eph. 6:10-17). Put on the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, shoes of peace, and the helmet of salvation, with the shield of faith and the sword of the Lord (God’s Word) as accessories. Let the qualities of truth, righteousness, peace, faith, salvation, and the Bible guide your thinking and your living each day.

Each day you need to resist the world and the improper influences it throws at you. James 4:7 says to resist the Devil and he will flee from you. In putting on the full armor of God that is how you resist the Devil and stand against his tactics (Eph. 6:11). Also, review regularly what influences your mind because the Lord wants the words of your mouth and the meditation of your heart to be acceptable to Him (Ps. 19:14). The music you listen to regularly, the matter you look at repeatedly, and the material you like to read all have an influence on what you think and do, so make sure it influences you in a way that is pleasing to God. You need to remove any waste, literally and figuratively, that inhibits you mind negatively concerning what pleases God. Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). As you do that, remove what inhibits your walk with Lord and renew, if necessary, what goes into your mind. The Bible says to “be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God” (Rom. 12:2 HCSB). For example, if someone becomes addicted to pornography and wants to overcome it and live for Christ, that person must remove whatever pornography he or she has in their home, in hard copy and on or for the computer. They must avoid places where pornography is sold or images can be seen that feed the addiction. They must follow Jesus as their Lord and Savior and renew their mind through reading the Bible and printed material that is pleasing to God. They must be around with godly, Christ-like people as much as possible and be actively involved in a Bible-based, Christ-centered, Spirit-controlled, prayer empowered church. Making no provision for the flesh doesn’t just happen. You have to commit to it and work at it.

A fourth factor to keep in mind in living uncompromisingly for Christ and avoiding giving in to the carnal desires of the flesh is to maintain a priority relationship with the Lord. The apostle Paul exhorted the Colossians to keep Christ preeminent in all things (Col. 1:18). Our relationship with the Lord should surpass all others. To maintain such a priority relationship with the Lord it is imperative to daily read the Word. The Bible says that you can keep your way pure by keeping God’s Word (Ps. 119:9). Treasuring and storing God’s Word in your heart will help you to keep from sinning against God (Ps. 119:11).

As you get into the Word daily, you will get the Word into you. Even in all his suffering, Job said that he esteemed the words of God more than his necessary food (Job 23:12). In feeding upon the Word of Daily by reading the Bible, you will receive and retain its wisdom. It will give you the wisdom to recognize what is right and what is wrong. In recognizing what is wrong the Bible helps you to discern the intentions (2 Cor. 2:11) of the Devil. You must be on your alert because the Devil is ever prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone he can devour (1 Peter 5:8). As you daily get God’s Word into your heart you stay alert to how and where the Devil is seeking to cause anyone he can to mess up, and he wants everyone to mess up sexually! Remember that appearance is important. As a pastor I sometimes get contacted about a married church member being seen with someone of the opposite sex other than their mate in what looks like or could lead to a compromising situation. In some cases where it has to be addressed, I usually get a reaction from the church member that there is nothing to it, such as they were just having lunch with a work associate. But, the Bible says to avoid even the appearance that you have an attraction to someone other than your mate or that you are being unfaithful to your mate (1 Thess. 5:22). Even if you are not guilty of the action, are you guilty of the appearance? It matters because the Bible says it matter!

To maintain a priority relationship with the Lord, run with the right influences. The Bible says that bad company corrupts good morals (1 Cor. 15:33). I saw a situation coming months before it blew up where a man who was separated from his wife became close to a married woman. Both had been actively involved in their churches. He started attending the church of the married woman who had befriended him. I believe on her part it was innocent at first. She was a choir member and got the guy to sing in the choir, too. They decided to sing a duet in church and began practicing for it weeks ahead of time. They began to rehearse privately in a room of the church during the Wednesday night prayer service, which she hardly ever missed prior to that time. When he came to my office because he got word that I was concerned over his ever deepening friendship with this other man’s wife, he justified the hours upon hours of phone calls that he and this woman had, which I learned about from her husband (now her former husband). He told me that this woman was the only one who had really been there for him when he and his wife separated. That was not true because our family as well as others in the church had reached out to him. He even told me that he and this lady and her teenage daughter were having a Bible study together each week. I told him that if he was involved in a private Bible study, he needed to be in one with another man or two, not another man’s wife. And, I made it clear to him that another man’s wife was not the one he needed to go to for counsel and solace over his failing marriage. Well, unless someone has the IQ of a water buffalo or less, you know what happened. The woman, who had been a spiritual leader in the church for years, could not find anything good about her husband, who had recently been ordained a deacon. She began to major on the negatives and could no longer see the positives that led her to marry her husband two decades earlier. They divorced. The other man divorced his wife over a year later, but had begun a relationship with another woman, whom he began living with.

I traveled for a college social fraternity for three years after I graduated from college, visiting about two hundred college campuses throughout the United States. I met some great young college men and fraternity alumni during those years, but I also learned how to spot a guy who knew how to take a young lady for a ride emotionally and sexually. He could sweet talk her and make her think she was the only romantic interest of his life, while he had another young lady or two thinking the same thing. Usually he would use each young lady for his self-interest and when he had used her for whatever benefit it was to him, he moved on to someone else. I spotted the intentions of the man in the previous paragraph long before he and the woman were caught in a compromising situation they should never have been in that blew their situation wide open. This “neon love comes lately” (from McBride and the Ride’s song “Treading on Sacred Ground”) amounted to a man whom the woman should never have been involved with so privately and intimately to forsake her rock solid morals and throw away a phenomenal testimony and influence for Christ. She got where she could only see the glaring positives of her “neon love comes lately” and could not see some of the glaring faults others saw that helped to lead to his marriage of twenty something years coming to an end. The saddest part about the whole situation is that the woman would never accept blame for her actions and wanted to put the blame on those who loved her enough to try to get her to break off the friendship with the man. God is full of grace and mercy, and for situations like the one of the man and woman I have just described, we pray for repentance, reconciliation, and restoration to come for them with their former mate and friends who cared enough to confront them.

Conclusion

In the introduction to this chapter I mentioned that when we go beyond the boundaries of God’s Word, there eventually comes a time of reckoning and regrets. Such was the case with Amnon and Tamar. Modern day parallels prove the same. True love waits until marriage before a couple become intimate with each other. And, true love remains true throughout marriage. Stay morally pure before marriage and save yourself for your future mate. Stay faithful to your mate within marriage and don’t allow yourself to come close to being in any situation where your intentions could be questioned. It is better to be accused of legalistic puritanicalism and maintain moral purity than to be guilty of sexual sin and suffer the embarrassment and disgrace of adultery. If an affair does happen with one of the mate’s in a marriage, it is grounds for divorce, but that does not mean that the marriage is over. It has been my joy as a pastor to counsel with couples where infidelity has occurred, and seen the marriage restored as the mate forgave and reconciled with the partner who cheated on them. An affair does cause damage to a marriage, but with time, attention, care, communication, and accountability, the hurts can be overcome and the relationship can be restored. But, guard your marriage as the sacred ground it is and do what it takes to keep from messing up morally. The stigma that surrounds a marriage when there has been an unfaithful mate unfortunately may remain for a long time even after the couple have reconciled and moved on beyond that sad chapter of their lives.

What if you have not remained morally pure before marriage? If you see your immorality as sin, are convicted and broken in your heart over it, and have confessed your sin to the Lord and asked His forgiveness, then God will help you move on with your life as you remain morally pure until marriage. Steve and Annie Chapman are known for their teachings on marriage and their songs of hope and healing for singles, marrieds, and parents. They wrote a powerful song challenging those who have never married to remain morally pure before marriage which also addressed the issue of how to overcome not saving one’s self sexually for their marriage partner.

The Treasure
By
Steve and Annie Chapman

Girl, don’t give your treasure away
It’s for a man somewhere in time who is willing to wait
until the day he can call you by his name.
So girl, don’t give his treasure away.

But if you’ve done it and you wonder what you should do,
Well, just remember, go to Jesus, and He’ll make you brand new.
And when He restores the treasure to its original state,
Until the right time, don’t give it away.

Young man, I know it’s very hard to see that just beyond the way you feel is the man you want to be.
So keep it pure for that woman who waits,
And boy, don’t give her treasure away.

But if you’ve done it and you wonder what you should do,
Well, just remember, go to Jesus, and He’ll make you brand new.
And when He restores the treasure to its original state,
Until the right time, don’t give it away.

© 1979 Monk and Tid Music

If you are not married, commit from this moment on to sexual abstinence until you enter a biblical marriage relationship. A biblical marriage relationship is between two Christians. If you have never placed your faith and trust in Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, I invite you to make this most important decision of your life right now. First, you must recognize that you are a sinner. The Bible says all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Rom. 3:23). Second, you need to realize that you cannot save yourself. The Bible says that as the wages or result of sin is death, the gift of God is eternal life in heaven through Jesus Christ our Lord (Rom. 6:23). Ephesians 2:8-9 states that by grace you are saved through faith, and this is not from yourselves; it is God’s gift, not works, so that no one can boast. There is nothing you can humanly do or that someone can do for you on earth to save you. Then, you need to repent, for except you repent by asking forgiveness of your sins, you cannot be saved (Luke 13:3,5; Acts 2:38). And then, receive Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. The Bible says that God showed His love for us in that while we were sinners, Christ died for us (Rom. 5:8). You receive Jesus as your Lord and Savior by calling on the name of the Lord (Rom. 10:13) by believing in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead and by confessing with your mouth that Jesus is Lord (Rom. 10:9-10).

If you are not a Christian and would like to receive Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior right now simply pray something like this:

“Dear God, I admit that I am a sinner. I ask you to forgive me of my sins. I know that it is only through Jesus Christ that I can be saved. I believe Jesus died on the Cross to save me from my sins and to provide eternal life for me in heaven. I receive Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I turn from living life the way I want to live to living life the way Jesus wants me to live from this moment on.”

The Lord wants the best for us in life and he wants us to live life to the fullest (John 10:10). The best for every one is to remain morally pure before marriage and within marriage. And, whether you married someday or not, commit from this moment on that whatever you do, you will do everything for God’s glory.