Entries from May 2017 ↓

WHAT A MAN NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT A WOMAN

A few years ago, I remember watching one of the major network nightly news broadcasts, when they reported that a government study, which cost several million dollars, concluded that men and women are different. The amazing thing is that the news anchor announced the findings like it was a discovery that had never been known.

Men have known through the ages that some things about women, and particularly the woman whom they married, take years to figure out how to correctly respond to some of their unexpected, practically unanswerable questions. Men and women are different in various ways, praise the Lord, in some gloriously different and blessed ways. But among those differences that are not so glorious to our wives, at times, is how we think differently. Sometimes, we think we are answering a question the way our wife wants us to, but our left brain thinking often produces an answer that is not what our wife’s right brain caring, sensitive, side is wanting to hear.

I came across a very helpful article in the July, 2005 Good Housekeeping magazine, by Beth Levine, which a female member of the church I pastored at the time had given to me to pass on to my son prior to his marriage. For a man to learn from a woman who has spent years “training” her husband to be more flattering and sensitive, I believe it will greatly benefit a prospective husband to know “the right responses to some of the toughest questions women are likely to ask” that “make guys crazy . . . while the wheels spin in their heads: ‘What can I say that will get me out of here alive’ . . . and not leave skid marks trying to get away.” In this section, the questions and comments on why your wife is asking such a question and the bad answers and wrong answers are from Beth Levine’s article in Good Housekeeping. I have added an appropriate song that will go along with some of the questions as an extra way to answer the questions as well as further suggestions on a few of the questions. Let’s have some fun while we also receive some valuable insights.

How do you respond when your wife asks you, “What are you thinking about?” Her purpose in asking you that question is that she wants you to provide one little scrap of emotional content, which does not have to be earthshaking, just something that will bring her into your inner world. If you don’t have an inner world, quickly make one up. The wrong answer, “Do you think the Cubs will ever win the Series? A good answer is “You know why I get so upset over the Cubs? It reminds me of when I was little and my father used to . . . .” This provides her with a moving memory about your life that shows you have feelings and emotions.

What if your wife asks you, “Do these jeans make me look fat?” She is asking this because women have no idea what image to strive for when Hollywood stars are obnoxiously thin and the average woman is a size 12. A bad answer to this question is “No. Yes. I don’t know. Don’t ask me.” The right answer, “You look really great. Look at the curve they give you.” If your wife really does look a little portly, Mrs. Levine says to blame the clothes by telling her, “You know, those pants aren’t hitting you right.” I say on this one not to respond if the pants aren’t “hitting” her right. The best thing to do is find a way immediately for you to leave the scene.

What should you say if the question is asked, “Do you still love me the way you loved me when you really loved me?” This is a blatant appeal on your wife’s part for reassurance. She is probably feeling taken for granted and wondering if she has become an eternal source of meatloaf and clean clothes. Tell her yes, you love her, then give specifics (P.S.: This works even better when you say it without being asked first). A bad answer to this question is, “Yeah. Do you know where the remote is? Thanks.” The answer she needs to hear, “You know I love you. I don’t know how I’d get through life without you. Sometimes when you walk away from me and I see that little wiggle, I wonder how I ever got so lucky. I still can’t believe it.” An old Roy Clark song comes to mind hear, “I Still Get that Honeymoon Feeling.” Look up the lyrics for it and you will see what I mean. That’s a song to know by heart to use as a backup for similar questions like this one.

This next question is one that there is almost no right way to answer but Mrs. Levine gives some positive direction, “Do you think that woman is attractive?” She’s wanting to get a little stroked by you. The wrong answer to this question would be, “She is so hot. Why don’t you ever wear outfits like that?” Mrs. Levine’s suggested answer is, “On a scale of one to ten with you as the ten, I would say that she comes in at a (pick a number significantly lower than ten). I would say to start singing The Oak Ridge Boys song, “You’re the One in a Million.” My advice is make no scale pick from one to ten for the other woman at all. Sing “You’re the One in a Million” loud, and out of embarrassment your wife will ask you to stop and get the subject on something else, but in the depths of her heart she will be flattered.

What if you are asked, “Can we discuss something important to me?” Mrs. Levine’s insight as to why this question is asked is critical: “Incoming! Incoming! You are about to be yelled at for something you did or didn’t do. Quick! Think, man, think!” The wrong answer, “OK, what did I do now?” The right answer is, “Sure, honey, if it’s important to you, you know it’s important to me.” As a backup for your safety, Mrs. Levine suggests that your goal, however, is to play for time by disarming and diverting, if you feel you are really going to get it. Bring up something immediately that will get her mind on someone else or something else to vent about.

Here’s a question you will certainly be asked at some time in your marriage by your wife, “Do you wish I still looked the way I did when we first met?” She asks because she feels like Mother Time is creeping up on her. Her stomach has lost its tone, her eyelids droop, and her upper arms have turned to Jell-O. A bad answer, “Gee, you were so pretty then. I mean, you’re pretty now, too, but back then you were really something. Wait! I didn’t mean that the way it came out . . . don’t hurt me.” A good answer, “What? You mean you don’t?” A great song to know the lyrics for is “I Love You Just the Way You Are.” You might do a lyric search for a song about one’s wife where she gets better the longer you are together, but avoid any lyric that has the word “older” in it, even if it is saying the older you get the better you get. She will not want to hear any reference to “old” or “older.”

Although this is a totally unfair question for your wife to ask, be ready for it, “Do you ever think about your old girlfriend?” She asks because of curiosity, maybe, and, yes, insecurity. The worst answer you could give is, “Sure. Sometimes I wonder what she’s up to now. She was really fun.” Mrs. Levine’s suggested answer is, “Only on those nights when I wake up screaming. Please don’t remind me.” Be thankful if you are asked this question for Garth Brooks’, “Unanswered Prayers.” It is about this exact subject of he and his wife running into his old high school flame at a hometown football game and thanking God that he did not marry his high school girlfriend, but found his true love when he met and then married his wife.

This is a question to be prepared for with the personal makeover, even cosmetic surgery, television programs, “Wouldn’t I look better if I had a nose job, tummy tuck, eye job, etc?” She is asking because she is spending way too much time staring at herself in the bathroom mirror or looking at some of the TV programs just mentioned and seeing the successful end products. The wrong answer is, “You look fine. Stop asking me.” A good answer is, “You change anything, and I’m changing it back. I want the woman I fell in love with, not some Barbie doll.” Then try distracting her with “Do you think that I need hair implants?” Or, you might say, “Can I borrow that wrinkle cream since you don’t need it.” The song, “I Love You Just the Way You Are” would be appropriate here as with an earlier question about looks. I came across a great poem, author unknown, titled, “I Love All of You.” Some of its lyrics are perfect for this question. “I love all of you, your nose, your lips, your hair, your feet, I will never stop loving you, you are so amazingly sweet.” Then, throw in a few lyrics from Cole Porter’s “All of You,” such as, “I love the looks of you, and the lure of you, the sweet of you, and the pure of you, the eyes, the arms, and the mouth of you, the east, west, north, and the south of you.” Your wife will be so shocked at your knowing such emotionally sensitive lyrics, and then your applying them to her, that you will get the emphasis off anything about her changing at all.

Let’s consider one more of those questions wives ask their husbands that have baffled men in the past about how to answer properly. This one is sure to come up someday, “Do you remember when we went to (emotionally charged event you claim you didn’t attend)?” She is asking because she’s nostalgic for the good old days and wishing she felt that close to you again. Don’t answer with, “You sure that wasn’t with your old boyfriend? I don’t think I was there.” The right answer, “All I remember is how gorgeous you were. Everything else is a blur.” I don’t know how to top that one!

Thank you Beth Levine for helping husbands down the right path to knowing how to answer some of life’s greatest questions our wives will probably ask us someday. As she stated in her closing statements to her article, “OK, guys, got it now? If you’re feeling confident and you want to improvise your own answers, fine. Just remember: We women want the truth, but the truth filtered through love.” Men, for those times when you find yourself at a loss about the right way to answer your wife’s question, remember that the Lord knows what we have need of before we ask Him (Matt. 6:8). Pray and ask Him to provide the miracle you need at that moment. And, remember, that simple words like “I’m sorry,” “I was wrong,” “Will you forgive me,” “I love you,”can go a long way.